Sunday, 19 February 2012

7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You

Source of this post:Islamic Learning Material

Related Post: 7 things your Muslim wife won’t tell you

What’s Going Through Your Muslim Husband’s Mind?

Ever wish you could read your husband’s mind? Western culture encourages husbands and wives to talk to each other and discuss things.
However, in many Muslim cultures, men are raised to be stoic and tight-lipped. Muslim husbands are very often (not always) reluctant to talk about certain things with their wives.
Part of the problem is also that sometimes it is hard to actually formulate our thoughts into the right words.
The only thing more difficult than translating thoughts to words is translatingfeelings to words.
So, a lot of Muslim men and women go through their marriages with very little communication and never really knowing what the other person is thinking.
This quick list is for the Muslim sisters in my audience. This list will give you good idea of some of the things your husband thinks about, but just doesn’t know how, or want, to tell you.

1. Above All, He Desires Your Respect

I spoke about this in my article “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”.
In this article, I explained that women want to know their husbands love them, and men want to know their wives respect them.
It’s important that Muslim women understand the value of respect for men, especially Muslim men. In Islam, men are taught from a young age that they are supposed to be the bread-winners and caretakers of their families.
You can imagine how frustrating it would be for a man, who tries his best to care for his family, to be married to a woman who doesn’t respect him. She may declare that she loves him, but without her respect, he will quickly fall out of love with her.
This idea is put forward in the Quran where Allah says:
Men are in charge of women by what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard.
Chapter 4, Verse 34
If you fear there is a problem in your marriage sisters, I would suggest you start here.

2. He Desires Your Loyalty

This goes hand in hand with respect.
There’s nothing that will ruin a marriage quicker than the idea that your spouse is not loyal. The idea, that he or she is not going to stick by you.
I’m not talking about infidelity. This is what usually comes to mind when people talk about loyalty in a marriage.
What I’m talking about is knowing that the person whom you’ve chosen to spend the rest of your life with is going to be there for you when you really need them.
Most men won’t admit it, but we do need women. And we do need your support.
And it’s very troubling to be married to a woman who may not be around when the going gets tough.
If you are constantly threatening divorce or separation or Khula (Islamic divorce initiated by the wife), you can expect your marriage to fizzle out very quickly.
Your husband needs to know that you’re going to be by his side if:
  • He loses his job and the money gets tight.
  • He tries to do something (like start a business or go back to school) but fails at it.
  • His reputation is tarnished or his honor is attacked.
You should be loyal to your husband before everything else except Allah and His Messenger (pbuh).
If you’re loyal to your husband, than rest assured he’ll be loyal to you.

3. He Wants To Have Sex More Often

Let’s get this right out into the open.
Some women might think men are narrow-minded brutes for this, but it’s the truth.
Men desire sex. Men really desire sex.
So when you give him the following excuses:
  • “I’ve got a headache.”
  • “I’m not feeling good.”
  • “Can’t it wait till the weekend? I’m really not in the mood.”
Know that your husband is going to go to sleep a little upset with you, even if he doesn’t show it.
And do this often enough, he’s going to start resenting you. And that resentment will build up and may lead to him being unnecessarily mean to you or losing some love.
Please keep the following hadith in mind:
When a man calls his wife to his bed, and she does not respond and he (the husband) spends the night angry with her, the angels curse her until morning.
Bukhari and Muslim.
Something to think about.

4. He Thinks About Other Women

Okay, first of all, calm down. Don’t unsubscribe from my mailing list just yet. Let me explain this.
All men think about other women.
It doesn’t mean he’s going to cheat on you.
It doesn’t mean he’s thinking about taking a second wife.
It doesn’t mean he’s fantasizing about another woman.
It just means that all (straight) men do, at some point in their lives, consider having another woman (i.e. wife).
You’re better off coming to terms with this and accepting it than having false, purile notions about men.
The best way to combat these thoughts are to apply the advice given in the first three secrets:
  • Respect him.
  • Be loyal to him.
  • Give him physical love when he wants it.
Does this mean he’ll never take a second wife if you do these three things? Of course not.
But it will raise your value in his mind relative to other woman and he’ll be all the more reluctant to look for those three things (respect, loyalty, and sex) elsewhere.

5. He Wants To Make You Happy

Why do you think men work so hard to make money?
Why do you think men are willing to leave their jobs and risk starting a business?
Why do you think men like buying women gifts?
Because deep down, we really just want to make you happy. :)
Sometimes we screw it up and forget our anniversary. But we really would prefer to remember because we know it would make you happy.
So when your husband buys you a gift, accept it, rejoice over it, thank him profusely, and use it as often as possible.
If he buys you some jewelry, wear it.
If he buys you a new smartphone, use it.
If he buys you a car, drive it.
And don’t be so quick to nag him about the things he doesn’t do right. Because then he’ll start feeling that you don’t respect (there’s that word again) the things he does do for you.

6. If You Nudge Him, He Can Be A Better Muslim

Nobody’s perfect.
Perhaps your husband isn’t a Muslim scholar. Perhaps he’s not the best Muslim in the world.
You can nudge him to make him better. But you can’t force him.
Do little things to get him to improve his Islam.
  • Offer to wake him up for Salaatul Fajr.
  • Encourage him to make Salaah at the Masjid.
  • Tell him how much nicer he’d look if he grew his beard.
This takes deliberate words, a soft touch, and careful action. No one likes to be preached to.
But if you do this right, you’ll be getting a double reward:
The reward that comes with living with a righteous husband. And the reward in the next life for encouraging your husband to the truth.
Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience.
Chapter 103, Verse 3

7. He Loves You, Even If He Doesn’t Always Show It

I know, this one may be kinda hard to swallow. But it’s true (usually).
Men are just not that good at showing emotion (unless we’re talking sports or politics).
We don’t tell our wives “I love you” often enough.
We’re not perfect. And constantly comparing us to Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) ain’t helping.
Of course, we are supposed to emulate him (pbuh) as much as we can. And for most of us, we are doing the best we can.
But we just can’t treat you the same way he (pbuh) treated his wives. Similarly, it’s unfair for men to expect their wives to behave like Aisha (RA) and his other wives (RA) did.
Just because your husband doesn’t treat you in the way (you think) the Prophet (pbuh) treated his wives, doesn’t mean your husband doesn’t love you.
It just means he’s human.
It is very important that you understand this.
  • If he’s doing his best to take care of you.
  • If he doesn’t abuse you or sleep around.
  • If he sincerely tries to solve your problems and helps you in the best way he can.
Then chances are he loves you. A lot.
Now move from in front of the television and go make me a sandwich.

7 Things Your Muslim Wife Won’t Tell You

What’s Going On Under the Hijab?
Last week I wrote an article entitled “7 Things Your Muslim Husband Won’t Tell You.”
I thought I was gonna get a lot of complaints about that one, but so far, everyone seems to enjoy it.
Well, if the last article didn’t upset you, perhaps this one will. Actually, I don’t want to upset you. But I do want you to think about things that may not normally cross your mind.
Most men have a hard time understanding women. Even a woman they’ve been married to for years.
One minute she’s perfectly fine. The next, she’s crying like a baby.
She complains about something but when we offer advice on how to fix it, she still isn’t satisfied.
After several years of marriage (and counselling) I’ve learned to not worry so much about what my wife says. Instead, I should worry about what she doesn’t say.
With this information in mind, I’ve put together a quick list of things Muslim men should be aware of when it comes to their wife’s mind.
1. Above All, She Wants Your Love
This harkens back to a post I wrote a couple of months ago called “Love or Respect: Which Do You Prefer?”
In this article I explained that men desire respect from their wives, and women desire love from their husbands.
When a wife shows her husband less respect, he in turn shows her less love.
And when a husband shows his wife less love, she in turn shows him less respect.
And the vicious cycle repeats itself.
Stop this prophecy before it becomes self-fulfilling. Show love to your wife.
That’s what she wants. Love her despite her flaws and quirks.
And Inshallah, she’ll respect you despite your flaws and quirks.
2. She’s Bored
It’s the same thing every day.
Week in and week out.
Not only is she bored but she’s also tired.
She has to care for the kids and run the household and then pamper you.
Just thinking about doing that every day makes me want to crawl under my covers and hide. I can imagine how the average Muslim housewife must feel.
And let’s not forget about working woman. Many Muslim women have to work a full time job as well as hold a house down.
So brothers, I implore you, make your wife feel special. Give her a break.
Take her out sometimes. Surprise her with a surprise meal. Bring her favorite desert home.
Just do something every now and then to break the monotany.
3. She Wants to Be Complimented
Everybody wants it.
No one wants to feel as if the hard work they do goes unnoticed or even worse, it taken for granted.
Your wife does not have to clean your dirty clothes. And she does not have to cook your meals.
But she does.
And she does that on top of all the other things in her life:
Working or going to school.
Caring for the kids.
Striving to be a better Muslimah.
Show your Muslim wife that you appreciate and are thankful for the things she does to maintain you and your family.
A simple “thank you” is a good start.
4. She’s Insanely Jealous
There’s a reason most women don’t care for polygamy.
Be very careful how you talk about other women around your wife.
I mentioned this in my book “Sex and Islam.” Don’t ever compare your wife to another woman.
Don’t compare her to some female movie star.
Don’t compare her to your mother.
Never, ever compare her to your ex-wife (or other wife!)
She’s wants to know and believe that she is the center of your universe. So make her feel that way.
Even the Prophet’s (pbuh) wives got jealous. Aisha (RA) even got jealous of Khadijah (RA) who was dead.
Expect, and respect, the same type of jealousy from your wife.
5. She Wants You to Help Her Become A Better Muslimah
If you haven’t seen it yet, I encourage you to watch this video I did a couple of weeks ago for Muslim men. In this video I stress the importance of men taking the role of leader within their families.
And that’s the problem with a lot of Muslim men these days.
Not only are they not being good leaders, they’re being led by their wives (or mothers, or other women in their lives).
Your wife desires and wants you to be her leader. And what better way to lead her than to be show her how to be a better Muslimah?
But you can’t show her how to become better if you’re not that great either. Therefore, you have to upgrade your Iman. You have to improve yourself and then pass it on to her in a gentle, respectful way.
6. She Doesn’t Like to Nag, But Sometimes You Make It Hard
It’s a common myth that women like to nag their husbands. That’s not entirely true.
Yes, there are some people (men and women) whom you can never please. No matter what you do, they’ll always find fault in something. Let’s be reminded of the following hadith:
Narrated Ibn ‘Abbas: The Prophet said: “I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful.” It was asked, “Do they disbelieve in Allah?” (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, “They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, ‘I have never received any good from you.”
Sahih Bukhari
So, yes sisters should be careful about denegrating the things your husband does for you.
But very often, you Brother, make it hard for her to hold your tongue.
Perhaps you’re always finding fault with her and she looks for things in your character to get even.
Perhaps you’re not working (or not working hard enough) and she has to work to take up some slack.
Perhaps you’re just not that great of a guy.
Once again, upgrade yourself and give her less reasons to complain and nag.
7. More Than Anything, She Wants a Stable, Happy Relationship With You
Women don’t get married just because they think it’s gonna be fun.
They get married because they want a happy family life and they believe you’re gonna give it to them.
Outside of her religious duties, that’s the most important thing in a Muslim woman’s life. Raising a happy, stable, Muslim family.
The funny thing is, it’s very easy for you to give that to her.
Stop acting like a jerk. Be a good husband to her. Be kind. Show her you love her.
Don’t threaten her with divorce or taking a second wife. Yes, you have the right to do both. But using them as threats is inappropriate and detrimental to your marriage.
Trust in Allah, watch out for the tricks of Shaytan, and be patient with her. There’s nothing Shaytan would love more than to destroy your marriage.
See? That isn’t all that hard, now is it?