How Grand Should Our Weddings be ? By Nisaar Y. Nadiadwala

Ever since I have written a few notes on Youth , career and marriages, many

readers often ask me how much should they spend on their wedding.

Some even inquire if it is alright to bow to family pressure if they spend lavishly on the reception (hosted by the bride’s father) and umpteen items on the menu of waleema.  What if our parents can afford the lavish reception (again hosted by the bride’s father)?

    Well there is no upper limit in the hadith as far as the number of invitees in the waleema  are concerned.

One of the son in law of the Prophet was Uthman bin Affan r .a. He married two daughters of the Prophet (pbuh) one after the death of another, and was one of the richest man among the sahaba.  The man who sponsered huge expenditure of one third of the entire Islamic army in one of the battles yet he did not invite the same men in either of his waleema except a handful !

Some thing worth to be noticed.

Abdul Rahman bin Auf r.a. did not invite the Prophet (pbuh) in his weddingand the Prophet did not feel bad about it. Many of us may find this very strange because in our times being invited to a wedding has become a status and previledge.

Our marriages are becoming more complicated. Even a middle class person energetically thinks about the numbers of dishes to serve in his daughter or son’s marraige. Preparations begin months ahead. Expenditure behind the preparation itself runs high. ” So what ? we can afford it ” Comes a common reply. Right. We can afford it.. but if we refer back to the hadith that states that no person will be allowed to move from his place on the day of Qiyamah till he gives the account of where did he spend his money as well. Even if it is your Halal earnings yet it would be required to justify his expenses..

Now  use this hadith as a parameter..Go through the list of the menu of the Reception. 1, 2, 3…6…10….! Chinese, Italian.. Moghlai… count the variety of salads…Just have a look at the stock of ice cream.. I dont mean to say that having ice cream or distrbuting ice creams is haram but look at the way the Ice creams scream in our marraiges.

Consider this.. last week there were news about increase in the rates of milk in Mumbai.. the  house wives who objected increase in the rates of milk, the same house wives are fond of buying icereams worth four times the rates of milk. In Mumbai, one litre of milk costs around a dollar ie. 48 INR,  but one kg of  branded ce cream  costs around 200 /INR i.e. 4 Dollars!

The  AgroMinistry of India say that the ice cream industry is worth 15 billions Rupees in India,  and 40 percent of that ice cream is consumed in the west ern India. From Ahemadabad to Mumbai Ice creams float like foams over sea. In our marraiges ice creams have become a staple food. The rates of ice creams in wedding are quoted higher like the other items in the venue.

How many weddings take place in Mumbai every year?   There are no less than500 wedding Halls in Mumbai alone which cater to higher middle class. How many marriages take place in these halls every year?

In Mumbai ..in Karachi.. in Lahore… keep counting how many guest push down ice creams into their throats after eating chicken tandooris, biryanis, noodles, sikh and shami kebabs….Just one example..now assemble the rest of the expenditure you plan to have in your wedding and think how many days will it  take you to give the accouts to Allah and justify it?

So how grand should your wedding be? Before you answer to your own self, know that there is no grandeur like simplicity.. See you in your wedding….Assalamualaikum..

Author : Nisaar Nadiadwala speaks and writes on socio-educational issues from Islamic perspective. He can be reached at nisaar_yusuf@yahoo.com

Signs of an Abusive Man

The Prophet  said:

"The best among you is the one who is the best towards his wife"

Hadith - Muslim, #3466

Signs of an Abusive Man

1. Jealousy and Possessiveness
Becomes jealous over your family, friends, co-workers. Tries to isolate you. Views his woman and children as his property instead of as unique individuals. Always asks where you've been and with whom in an accusatory manner.

2. Control
He is overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention. He controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in. Becomes angry if woman begins showing signs of independence or strength.

3. Superiority
He is always right, has to win or be in charge. He always justifies his actions so he can be "right" by blaming you or others. A verbally abusive man will talk down to you or call you names in order to make himself feel better. The goal of an abusive man is to make you feel weak so they can feel powerful. Abusers are frequently insecure and this power makes them feel better about themselves.

4. Manipulates
Tells you you're crazy or stupid so the blame is turned on you. Tries to make you think that it's your fault he is abusive. Says he can't help being abusive so you feel sorry for him and you keep trying to "help" him. Tells others you are unstable.

5. Mood Swings
His mood switches from aggressive and abusive to apologetic and loving after the abuse has occurred.

6. Actions don't match words
He breaks promises, says he loves you, and then abuses you.

7. Punishes you
An emotionally abusive man may withhold physical or emotional intimacy, or plays the "silent game" as punishment when he doesn't get his way. He verbally abuses you by frequently criticizing you.

8. Unwilling to seek helpAn abusive man doesn't think there is anything wrong with him so why should he seek help? Does not acknowledge his faults or blames it on his childhood or outside circumstances.

9. Disrespects women
Shows no respect towards his mother, sisters, or any women in his life. Thinks women are stupid and worthless.

If you continue to stay in an abusive relationship because you think he will change and start treating you well, think again. An abusive man does not change without long-term therapy. Group counselling sessions are particularly helpful in helping abusive men recognize their abusive patterns.

If the abusive man is not willing to seek help, then you must take action by protecting yourself and any children involved by leaving. By staying in an abusive relationship, you are condoning it. If you are scared you won’t be able to survive because of finances, pick up the phone book and start calling family, friends, shelters and associates and ask them if they can help or know of ways to help.

Compiled From:"Top 10 Signs of An Abusive Man" - Stephany Alexander

Friday Nasiha

An invocation for anguish

An invocation for anguish

Allaahumma rahmataka ‘arjoo falaa takilnee ‘ilaa nafsee tarfata ‘aynin, wa ‘aslih lee sha’nee kullahu, laa’ilaaha ‘illaa ‘Anta.
O Allah , I hope for Your mercy . Do not leave me to myself even for the blinking of an eye (i.e. a moment) . Correct all of my affairs for me . There is none worthy of worship but You.

 Reference: Abu Dawud 4/324, Ahmad 5/42. Al-Albani graded it as good in Sahih Abu Dawud 3/959.

Alhamdulillah!

"I love you for the sake of Allah..."

"You are!"

 

You are Strong......when you take your grief and teach it
to smile.

You are Brave......when you over come your fears
and help others to do the same.

You are Happy......when you see a flower and are thankfull
for the blessing.

You are Loving......when your own pain does not blind you
to pain of others.

You are Wise......when you know the limit of your wisdom.

You are True......when you admit there are timesyou fool yourself.

You ar eAlive......when tomorrow's hope means more

to you then yesterday;s mistakes.

You are Growing......when you know what you are
but not what  you will become.

You are Free......when you are in control of yourself 
and do not wish to control others.

You are Honourable....when you find your honour is
 to find honour in others.

You are generous....when you can take as sweetly 
as you can give.

You are Humble....when you do not know how 
humble you are.

You are Thoughtfull....when you see me as just as i am
and treat me just you are.

You are mercifull....when you forgive in others the faults
condemn in yourself.

You are Beautiful.....when you do not need a 
mirror to tell you.

You are Rich....when you never need more then
what you have.

You are YOU...when you are at peace with 
who you are not.

Source: Zubia Kiran

Quotes

Graphic by Unknown

Graphic By Unknown